Mommy's Guilt

When we decided to start trying for a second baby I had mixed emotions. Mostly I felt excited about it but a not-so-small part of me was worried about the dynamics of two. Not so much about how they would interact with each other, but how I would interact with them. Prior to having Alora, Corbin was my little man. My one and only. We went everywhere together and did everything together. I knew that that would change with a new little one in the picture. No longer would he have my undivided attention. He would have to share me. Of course my love would grow enough for both of them but what about my time?

Well, almost two years in I'd like to say I've put those fears to rest but I haven't. It's not as all consuming as it was right after I had Alora. I honestly think I had postpartum depression for the first few months after her birth. She was a much more demanding baby than Corbin had been and I just felt like neither one of them ever got 100% of me. Where Corbin seemed to take to the changes like it was the most natural things in the world, it was not an easy transition for me. I cherished those sweet moments when I'd get to cuddle up with the two of them and loved watching the bond between them right from the start. But there were times when Alora just needed so much from me that Corbin's care fell more to Pat and it killed me that I was having to give up some of my precious time with him.

As months went by and Alora got bigger things became easier on that front. I figured out her dairy intolerance and her colic disappeared. She learned to crawl and walk around and I quickly discovered that she was more independent than her big brother and liked to do things on her own for a few minutes, giving me time once again to do things one on one with Corbin like playing games, doing science experiments, etc. And then she got big enough to do fun things too and things got even better. Creating masterpieces with chalk and playdoh with two kids instead of one meant twice as many artworks to admire. Pretend play with two kids teaches valuable lessons in sharing and taking turns for both. And holidays are extra special for the both of them because they have a sibling to share it with. I watch them teaching each other new games and laughing at each others' silliness and I know deep down that having a second baby really was right for our family.

But there still are those times when I feel some guilt for one or the other. I realized tonight that I haven't taken Alora to have a professional photo taken since she turned one. She'll be two next month. When Corbin was that age we were members of the JCPenny picture club and took him for every little holiday that came up, Halloween, Easter, Christmas, Mother's Day photos with Mommyy, Father's Day photos with Daddy. I meant to take Alora as much. I really did. Her first year we went at least 4 or 5 times but nothing since then. Corbin has had his picture taken a few times since then for school and sports and we're just so busy I keep forgetting that it's been so long. Even though we take literally hundreds of pictures of the kids every month on our own I still feel bad for her that he had that and she didn't.

But really I have to stop and put this in perspective for myself from time to time (ok, more like daily) that both of our kids are extremely lucky in all that they have. And I'm not just talking about material things like toys and books stacked up all over the house. They have the wonderful bond between them. They have love. Endless amounts of love. They have have a daddy that gets to spend way more time with them than pretty much any other daddy I know because his work has always been flexible. And they have a mom that adores them so much it sometimes drives me crazy enough to obsess over these small things.